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Stump the Standup Transcripts
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Stump the Stand Up 9_30--LOL!
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TRANS930.txt
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2014-12-10
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Here is the transcript from Saturday Night's Stump the Stand Up staring Peter Bales, Frank Santorelli and Mitch Fatel. A presentation of ABC On-line.
Keyword: JOKES
ComedyNite: PETER BALES....
ComedyNite: You may have seen him on MTV, VH1, A&E
ComedyNite: Send in your JOKES for Peter.
Question: What am I doing???
PETER BALES: How does it feel?
Question: If it doesn't fit tonight, what should we do?
PETER BALES: Just screw it in tighter.
Question: How do we do this?
ComedyNite: MODERATOR.all you have to do is send in jokes...You give PETER
the set up to a joke and he will come up with the Punchline.
Question: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
PETER BALES: A pachyderm with a pouch
Question: Where are you from?
PETER BALES: Long Island...
Question: Who is Ms.Bequette
PETER BALES: I don't know.....You mean briquette?
Questions: Is OJ guilty?
ComedyNite: Of course...Welcome to the earth.
Question: What is Heavy Metal>
PETER BALES: Ummm, classical music for stupid people.
Question: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
PETER BALES: Hire another illegal immigrant
Question: What's a Red Dwarf?
PETER BALES: An embarrassed Danny DeVito!
Question: Could you say something really rude or racist? I'm feeling kinda
homicidal. -DPTikki
PETER BALES: Mark Furhman
Question: are you really funny, or just act that way in front of people you
don't know?
PETER BALES: That's a good question...I am really funny, but I am different on
stage.
Question: Weren't you the guy harboring that 13 year old that was supposed
to go on "Sally Jesse Raphael?"
PETER BALES: I wanted to be but they cast someone else.
Question: A termite walks into a tavern and says....
PETER BALES: I'll have a rum and oak
Question: Why do sorority girls wear underpants?
PETER BALES: To keep their ankles warm.
Question: Two old ladies are reminiscing about the past, one says "do you
remember the minuet?"
PETER BALES: I remember when I used to it all day.
Question: What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar?
PETER BALES: I call him Eddie.
Question: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
PETER BALES: Two, but it's tough getting them in there.
Question: what is 35 feet long and smells like urine?
PETER BALES: My uncle's swimming pool.
Question: Why do women travel to the bathroom in groups?
PETER BALES: Because in case someone tries to look at them under the stall
Question: Do you dig on swine?
PETER BALES: Crazy about them. Crazy about bacon.
Question: How long will the jury be out for?
PETER BALES: As long as they are hung.
Question: is the money better online, or on stage live??
PETER BALES: Better on the street...With a tin cup.
Question: Bill Gates next project?
PETER BALES: Apologizing to the country.
Question: Peter, how can you tell that your sister is getting her period?
PETER BALES: She'll just tell me.... we're that close.
Question: What does a diesel fitter do?
PETER BALES: Anyone he wants to.
Question: Does god exist?
PETER BALES: Of course, how else can you explain WrestleMania.
Question: What did the mushroom say to the girl at the bar?
PETER BALES: Want to see my stool.
Question: What do you do when the bus breaks down and the driver is an alien
plus your in the middle of nowhere
PETER BALES: Ask Rod Serling for an ending.
Question: what do you call a midget in a forest?
PETER BALES: A pine cone with ears
Question: Do you think Brad Pit is HOT???
PETER BALES: No, but Florence Henderson *REALLY* turns me on.
Question: What is your funniest joke you ever told?
PETER BALES It's yet to come.
Question: Who are you?
PETER BALES: Peter Bales. But you can call me Ballsey.
Question: Peter, are you gay and/or Jewish?
PETER BALES: No, but I'll take a dare.
Question: How does one communicate telepathically?
PETER BALES: Lay back, let your mind go blank, take a hit of acid.
Question: what did tornadoes sound like before trains were invented?
PETER BALES: Good question....lost likely stage coaches
Question: Why didn't OJ testify?
PETER BALES: He was too busy.
Question: Who was buried in Grant's grave?
PETER BALES: what year was the war of 1812
Question: Why did Intel call their chip the Pentium
PETER BALES: I have no idea...
ComedyNite: You win a Tee-shirt. Send your real name and the answer to
JodieShawj. We will send you out the shirt.
Question: what did o.j. say when he left court?
PETER BALES: Give me my hat and gloves.
Question: Does the universe extend beyond forever?
PETER BALES: Yes until a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it.
Question: Could you do some of your on stage material
PETER BALES: sure....
PETER BALES: I was once fired from a job for rudeness to a female customer
PETER BALES: This obnoxious woman came in and said my husband needs
glasses and I said He *SURE* does.
Question: How did Michael Jackson get so white ?
PETER BALES: The same way Jim Carrey got so black.
Question: If x=17y squared, and y= 17-2x, what are the values of x and y?
PETER BALES: Math is irrelevant. I used to be a history teacher.
Question: why do women close there eyes when they kiss?
PETER BALES: Most guys are ugly.
Question: Do you get any nookie being a standup comedian?
PETER BALES: Constantly. Something I just have to live with.
ComedyNite: One more For PETER before he goes on stage.
Question: 00:12 what do you call 3 blondes in a circle?
PETER BALES: A polish think tank.
ComedyNite: THANKS TO PETER FOR PLAYING
ComedyNite: Now, we are lucky enough to have FRANK SANTORELLI
ComedyNite: you have seen him on EVERY SINGLE TV SHOW THAT FEATURES
COMICS
Question: Did Furhman plant evidence?
Frank Santorelli: Yes.
Question: Do you know what they call a Whopper in Holland?
Frank Santorelli: A Vopper
Question: Why did the paper clip walk into Peter Jenning's house wearing a
raincoat with "Pearl Jam" written on it?
Frank Santorelli: I don't know, but you don't get a t-shirt.
Question: What do you get when you cross a Bull Dog with a Schitz Tzu?
Frank Santorelli: Bull Schitz
Question: What do you get when you cross a pumpkin with a talkshow host?
Frank Santorelli: Richard Simmons
Question: Is Tom Cruise a vampire a race driver a westerman or a jet fighter
to you?
Frank Santorelli: None of the above...
Question: Why does your mom giggle when I bite her neck?
Frank Santorelli: cause she is ticklish. Duh.
Question: do you smoke weed?
Frank Santorelli: When ever I can.
Question: Why didn't you get an education ?
Frank Santorelli: Becuze I didn't think there was no need
Question: is anyone there please answer if so!!
ComedyNite: Here
Question: How does the bloody glove prove OJ is guilty or not and a Condom
doesn't?
Frank Santorelli: Mark Furhman absolutely planted the glove
Frank Santorelli: so OJ would go down, for the crime.
Frank Santorelli: They wanted OJ to go down for the murders but they knew he would walk...
Frank Santorelli: Not Funny. True. The problem was it back fired....
Frank Santorelli: No one else will say this, but I will.
Question: What's up with Johnnie Cochran's ties?
Frank Santorelli: He is left handed
Question: how do you get to sesame street?
Frank Santorelli: through Carnigie Hall
Question: What kind of car does AOL President Steve Case drive?
Frank Santorelli: Audi 5000
Frank Santorelli: No, a 1985 Dodge AMC Gremlin
Frank Santorelli: OK,,,I have even a better joke, A PACER
Frank Santorelli: You know how dangerous the Pacer was....it was all glass.
Question: what is the other name for windows 95?
Frank Santorelli: Mac
Question: Who loves ya babe?
Frank Santorelli: My mommy
Question: Why are blondes so stupid?
Frank Santorelli: Because sunlight...Is absorbed into the follicles of the lightly
haired women...thus creating heat which is unnecessary for
thought process it....prevents......clear thinking.....and....
clear thought processes thus.....making women...
blonde men included seems stupid.
Question: Try to find my name in this jumbo
gmkjfklmfkSkfgfkfdvvkEmcvcmkckcxjvckWvmkflmca mkvckmkcM
Frank Santorelli: Ens Scot..
Question: I'm taping "Saturday Night Live" right now. Should I watch it, or
just burn the videotape?
Frank Santorelli: Here's what you do. Call NBC, tell them that you think that the new show
this year can be best described in 3 words...
Frank Santorelli: ignorance, cruelty and filth
Question: are you Jewish?
Frank Santorelli: christ no
Question: what did the elephant say to the naked man?
Frank Santorelli: Boy your trunk is really wide
Question: Why is the sky blue?
Frank Santorelli: It's magic
Question: Why didn't O.J. shoot himself when he had the chance?
Frank Santorelli: Cause he's an A**hole
Question: When you wear a knit cap on a dark night in Brentwood, whom do you
look like?
ComedyNite: Charles Bronson
Question: Did Lee Harvey Oswald act alone?
Frank Santorelli: hell no...I'll tell you what happened
Frank Santorelli: Anybody that can look at the Zapruder film and tell that the
man was shot from two different
Frank Santorelli: directions is insane to say the least.
Frank Santorelli: It is clearly obvious to me,
Frank Santorelli: that Lee acted in concert with some underworld figures
Frank Santorelli: to bring down the once great President.
ComedyNite: Thanks to FRANK
ComedyNite: NOW>>>>MITCH FATEL will hang for a few minutes.
ComedyNite: who you may have seen on Caroline's Comedy Hour.
Question: Can i meet you?
MITCH FATEL: Do you love me?
Question: where are you from?
MITCH FATEL: New York
Question: Should Dave Letterman keep the Top Ten lists?
MITCH FATEL: Who's David Letterman?
Question: Are you a pessimist or a realist?
MITCH FATEL: What the hell is that suppose to mean?
Question: Would it be possible for you to tell a decent joke?
MITCH FATEL: I just want all of you to know that I love you very deeply.
Question: Who's the hotter "Friend", Jennifer Aniston or Courteney Cox?
MITCH FATEL: Matthew Perry
Question: what is your purpose
MITCH FATEL: To have sex with the blonde at the bar.
Question: Who is the President right now? And don't say Hillary Clinton.
And don't say Gingrich. And don't say any Clinton, or any government official.
Or Rush Limbaugh.
MITCH FATEL: Matthew Perry
Question: What do you suppose the average age is of the folks in this
audience tonight?
MITCH FATEL: what audience..? We're doing this from my bathroom.
Question: who are you?
?????????????: Find out and tell me.
?????????????: cause I'm boring the hell out of myself
Question: did Wisconsin play today?
MITCH FATEL: I'm sorry, I don't know Wisconsin. But tell her to give me a
call. I need a date.
Question: are you a male or female?
MITCH FATEL: I am Boy George
Question: Is Oprah too darn skinny?
MITCH FATEL: I have no idea, but I know she played Wisconsin today.
Question: Have you ever met your maker?
MITCH FATEL: No, I just want to meet Matthew Perry....Can anyone introduce me
to Matthew Perry.
Question: What do you suppose Michael Jackson is doing RIGHT NOW?
MITCH FATEL: Let's ask him....I'm on his lap
Question: m/f age
MITCH FATEL: M/28
Question: what are you suppose to be some kind a jerky boy?
MITCH FATEL: What are you some kind of Tough Guy...Hey how can I IM Matthew
Perry?
Question: are you having fun making asses out of people?
MITCH FATEL: I am just making an ass out of myself....Oh Matthew I know you
are out there...People, I love Matthew Perry!
Question: who is Matthew Perry? any relation to Luke Perry?
MITCH FATEL: I don't know I'll ask Luke tonight
ComedyNite: This is the last question for MITCH...
Question: hey i am Matthew Perry! you want me?
MITCH FATEL: Yes, I want you.
ComedyNite: Well, Mitch has to go be, er...FUNNY.
ComedyNite: Hope you liked the show
ComedyNite: We'll see you next week.
ComedyNite: Sseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ya
C 1995 CapCities/ABC